A Comeback

Riding the train over the Charles on a soggy September morning.

It's no secret that I dropped off the face of the blogosphere. I don't feel bad about it, as I never expected this blog to be a daily recounting of my mundane musings, but I do miss it. Really, I just need a place to share; I need an outlet for my tangled thoughts and criticisms, for my pain and longing, and everything in between.

Of course, since I last described my "new life" in Boston, things have aged, rusted, and frozen over in an interminable winter. I spend way too much time thinking about the busy new life I described here just a year ago; comedy clubs, late night cocktails, jaunts around Harvard...it all seems so picturesque, yet I know the pain that was lying idle beneath the shiny words. With loss comes newness, even if it is raw and jutting and awkward. In the fall I moved to Somerville, my parents and sister visited, and I started writing for Peaceful Dumpling. I celebrated 22 years of existing on this Earth. In December, I traveled to Phoenix: it welcomed me in a warm, 70 degree embrace, and lots of nights by the fire. January was rough, with blistering winds and a general existential angst. In February, my second cousin Ellen visited, and we wined and dined and Vagina Monologue-d.

Now, on a Thursday in March, I am gathering my belongings to move back to my first apartment in Jamaica Plain. I will be living with my old roommates, my very first friends in Boston. I like Jamaica Plain and its charming architecture, cozy cafes, and lush flora (when the weather decides to cooperate). Would you like to see a photo tour of this part of Boston? It's fortunately and unfortunately the site of a lot of happy memories for me, the kind that take residence in the soul and refuse to make room for other, happier memories. This is a constant struggle of mine, to release what isn't available to me and surface the multifarious things that are.

At work, I'm in the beginning research stages of a new paper we're writing. We have also just submitted a paper for publication in which I'm listed as an author! Hooray! I like working downtown. Sometimes, in the spring and summer, I can hear seagulls flying overhead and I'm reminded of the vast ocean that lies so close. I'm reminded of how lucky I am to be here.

I look forward to rainy April days when the hundred-year-old buildings drop in
muted tones of grey and charcoal. I look forward to nights inside my new apartment, watching terrible movies with friends. I look forward to brave times, when my strength and beauty and intelligence are made self-evident, when I no longer need to rely on others to buttress my own feelings of self-worth. I look forward to friendly tea dates, picnics, mornings at the laundry mat, smiles and hugs. 

I see an unveiling, something clear and discernible. Let it be mine.